Letter to Obama #19 | Subject: Homeland Security
Letter to Obama #19 | Subject: Homeland Security
Dear President Obama,
I’m writing because I’ve got a few questions about Homeland Security.
First of all, remember when the Department of Homeland Security came out with the recommendation that everyone get duct tape and plastic lining for protection against chemical and biological weapons? Is that recommendation still in force?
If so, great! Then I’m all set. Except, I don’t call it protection from terrorists; I just call it a fort. I built it for the neighbor’s kids, but they got tired of it. So now I just use it for a temporary greenhouse. But I’d be more than happy to use it as a shelter against chemical and biological weapons—just let me know if that’s OK.
As an aside, is it OK to incorporate a secret password into the WMD-fort? The kids made me promise that I’d use the password every time I entered it, even if they weren’t there. I keep my promises, so if you want to visit the fort, you’re definitely welcome, but you have to say the password “Beagles” first.
In addition, as I was looking at the DHS’s website, some of the entries on the emergency preparedness kit seemed a little obvious. I mean, emergency or not, I don’t forget water or food wherever I go. Well, sometimes I forget breakfast, but that’s different, right? I was a little disappointed to learn that the emergency preparedness kit didn’t include gas masks or those cool Darth Vader-like HAZMAT suits. You know, the ones with the internal respirators? If you’d add those to the preparedness kit, I’m pretty sure a lot of people would be a lot more interested in Homeland Security; you have to admit, they do look pretty cool.
I also have a question about the National Threat Assessment Level. It doesn’t ever seem to change; it’s been at elevated for as long as I can remember. Is that good? Or is the person we hired to change it just really, really bad at their job? In either case, we need to change the system to make people pay attention again. I suggest we broaden its scope a little bit. I’d like to recommend that we start applying the Threat Level aesthetically and culturally. For instance, if our operatives detect that an upstart daughter of a washed-up country singer could soon have her own Disney program, I’d like to prevent this, at all costs. I think you know who I’m talking about, Mr. President.
Let me know what you think about this idea, and the others too.
Thanks,
Brett
Dear President Obama,
I’m writing because I’ve got a few questions about Homeland Security.
First of all, remember when the Department of Homeland Security came out with the recommendation that everyone get duct tape and plastic lining for protection against chemical and biological weapons? Is that recommendation still in force?
If so, great! Then I’m all set. Except, I don’t call it protection from terrorists; I just call it a fort. I built it for the neighbor’s kids, but they got tired of it. So now I just use it for a temporary greenhouse. But I’d be more than happy to use it as a shelter against chemical and biological weapons—just let me know if that’s OK.
As an aside, is it OK to incorporate a secret password into the WMD-fort? The kids made me promise that I’d use the password every time I entered it, even if they weren’t there. I keep my promises, so if you want to visit the fort, you’re definitely welcome, but you have to say the password “Beagles” first.
In addition, as I was looking at the DHS’s website, some of the entries on the emergency preparedness kit seemed a little obvious. I mean, emergency or not, I don’t forget water or food wherever I go. Well, sometimes I forget breakfast, but that’s different, right? I was a little disappointed to learn that the emergency preparedness kit didn’t include gas masks or those cool Darth Vader-like HAZMAT suits. You know, the ones with the internal respirators? If you’d add those to the preparedness kit, I’m pretty sure a lot of people would be a lot more interested in Homeland Security; you have to admit, they do look pretty cool.
I also have a question about the National Threat Assessment Level. It doesn’t ever seem to change; it’s been at elevated for as long as I can remember. Is that good? Or is the person we hired to change it just really, really bad at their job? In either case, we need to change the system to make people pay attention again. I suggest we broaden its scope a little bit. I’d like to recommend that we start applying the Threat Level aesthetically and culturally. For instance, if our operatives detect that an upstart daughter of a washed-up country singer could soon have her own Disney program, I’d like to prevent this, at all costs. I think you know who I’m talking about, Mr. President.
Let me know what you think about this idea, and the others too.
Thanks,
Brett
Labels: comedy, fun, humor, jokes, letter 19, letters to the president, obama, terrorism
posted by brett at
6:57 PM
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