Letter to President Obama #9 | Subject: NASA, Outer Space, and Constellations

Letter to President Obama #9 | Subject: NASA, Outer Space, and Constellations

Dear President Obama,

I’m writing because there are a few concerns about NASA that I have, and these concerns are never discussed in the mainstream media.

First of all, congratulations on the space program, and please give props to whoever named the areas of the moon. I mean, the Sea of Tranquility is a great name; that guy should definitely get a raise. I was a little confused though, when I found out that all of the areas on the moon have Latin, not English names. Is it true that Catholic priests named the moon?

Then again, I suppose Latin is better than some languages. I mean, imagine if they chose German! As an example of how creepy that’d be, I’m including Neil Armstrong’s famous first words on the moon, only in German: Das ist ein kleiner Schritt für einen Menschen, aber ein großer Sprung für die Menschheit!

Scary, right? And you have to admit—the German word for humanity (Menschheit) sounds more like a disease than anything. To prove this, I just called one of my friends on the phone, and I pretended to be sick. The conversation went like this:

Friend: You sound sick. What do you have?

Me: Menschheit.

Friend: Oh no! That sounds exotic!

Me: You could say that.

And while I do think the moon was well-named, whoever named the constellations should be fired. They look nothing like the objects they are supposed to represent—they’re like ancient abstract art. Now, don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with abstract art, but if we don’t tell people it’s abstract, they’ll miss the point. I mean, when I first encountered Cubist art, I didn’t know it was art—I just thought it was a bunch of geometric shapes with cancer; I felt bad for them, the poor, sick triangles and circles, with parallelograms and rhombuses springing forth uncontrollably.

Worse than that, many of the constellations are also indecent! According to my constellation book, many constellations have classical origins, and several are named after the famous heroines and goddesses of Greek mythology. In almost every depiction, these women are nude! That means there are half a dozen topless women in the sky; it’s like Girls Gone Wild up there!

I mean, consider the princess Andromeda—classical sources say she was one of the most beautiful women in the world, and she’s almost always depicted nude—but according to the accompanying myth, she’s chained up to a rock too! Great, when I want to teach my son about the constellations, what am I supposed to say when he asks who Andromeda is? Oh, by the way son, that’s the world’s most beautiful woman in bondage. If I say that, he’ll ask, “what’s bondage?” And then I’ll tell him to ask his mother.

I mean, with children, you give them any information and there’s another question. This is especially true about sex; it’s like a perverted version of If You Give A Mouse A Cookie.

Finally, even some of the modern names are a little creepy. The Hubble Telescope has made some wonderful discoveries, but one of the most famous pictures associated with it refers to an area that’s commonly called the “Horse Head Nebula.” Since when did we start naming things after The Godfather?

I’d appreciate a response to these important inquiries.

Sincerely,

Brett Ortler