Letter to President Obama # 17 | Subject: The Witness Protection Program and Major League Baseball

Letter to President Obama # 17 | Subject: The Witness Protection Program

Dear President Obama,

I’m writing because I think the witness protection program would make a great reality television show. Before you write me off as some yahoo, let me explain.

First of all, Mr. President, the production costs would be really low, as we wouldn’t need writers. The show would already have written itself! All we’d have to do is read from the case file! And even if there were a writers’ strike; we’d totally have access to strikebreakers!

As for how the show might work, we could start out by introducing the main character and his family, maybe at their Witness Protection Program orientation. (Speaking of, what are those orientations like? Are there nametags, or would that be beside the point? Or is it like the Usual Suspects and everyone has a code name?)

Anyway, the camera would follow the family around as they were getting adjusted to their new lives—we could show Mr. ex-Dillinger delivering a message to the school board for his wife, going to visit the family at Thanksgiving, and so on. But every once in a while we’d juxtapose that with re-enactments of events from his old life—Mr. ex-Dillinger delivering a “message” with a baseball bat behind a restaurant, going to visit “the family” at a rural farmhouse. We could make these as realistic as possible, like the reenactments on America’s Most Wanted and Rescue 911! And if ratings dropped, we could always tip off some of the contestant’s old enemies and drama would naturally ensue. If we were lucky, we might even get a gunfight!

I also have a question about the Witness Protection Program. If you’re accepted into it, what happens if you have debts? I don’t mean gambling debts to a guy named Tony either—what I mean is, does the Witness Protection Program help avoid paying back student loans? If so, great! I’d like to become a member of the program immediately.

Now before you think I’m just trying to game the system, you should know that I do have valuable information about the mafia, and it’s pretty disheartening: Major League Baseball, like everything else, has been infiltrated by the mob. If you don’t believe me, you should look into the starting shortstop for the Cleveland Indians, Jhonny Peralta.

It should be pretty obvious he’s a mobster. (With a name like Jhonny Peralta you know a baseball bat has to be involved in his career plan somehow.) As for the specifics of how he and others are involved, I can’t fill you in now, there’s no time. I’ll explain once I get to the safe house and my student loans (they are direct loans, you already have my last name) are voided.

Thanks and take care,


Brett Ortler



This is letter #17 to President Obama. I'm sending one a day. Thanks for reading.