Letter to Obama #19 | Subject: Homeland Security

Letter to Obama #19 | Subject: Homeland Security

Dear President Obama,

I’m writing because I’ve got a few questions about Homeland Security.
First of all, remember when the Department of Homeland Security came out with the recommendation that everyone get duct tape and plastic lining for protection against chemical and biological weapons? Is that recommendation still in force?

If so, great! Then I’m all set. Except, I don’t call it protection from terrorists; I just call it a fort. I built it for the neighbor’s kids, but they got tired of it. So now I just use it for a temporary greenhouse. But I’d be more than happy to use it as a shelter against chemical and biological weapons—just let me know if that’s OK.

As an aside, is it OK to incorporate a secret password into the WMD-fort? The kids made me promise that I’d use the password every time I entered it, even if they weren’t there. I keep my promises, so if you want to visit the fort, you’re definitely welcome, but you have to say the password “Beagles” first.
In addition, as I was looking at the DHS’s website, some of the entries on the emergency preparedness kit seemed a little obvious. I mean, emergency or not, I don’t forget water or food wherever I go. Well, sometimes I forget breakfast, but that’s different, right? I was a little disappointed to learn that the emergency preparedness kit didn’t include gas masks or those cool Darth Vader-like HAZMAT suits. You know, the ones with the internal respirators? If you’d add those to the preparedness kit, I’m pretty sure a lot of people would be a lot more interested in Homeland Security; you have to admit, they do look pretty cool.

I also have a question about the National Threat Assessment Level. It doesn’t ever seem to change; it’s been at elevated for as long as I can remember. Is that good? Or is the person we hired to change it just really, really bad at their job? In either case, we need to change the system to make people pay attention again. I suggest we broaden its scope a little bit. I’d like to recommend that we start applying the Threat Level aesthetically and culturally. For instance, if our operatives detect that an upstart daughter of a washed-up country singer could soon have her own Disney program, I’d like to prevent this, at all costs. I think you know who I’m talking about, Mr. President.

Let me know what you think about this idea, and the others too.
Thanks,

Brett

Letter to President Obama #7 | Subject: Clowns and The War on Terror

Dear President Obama,

I’m writing because I have suggestions that might help our country in The War on Terror. Up to this point, much of The War on Terror has dealt with overseas organizations like Al-Qaida, which seek to harm the U.S. at home and abroad, or domestic groups with similar aims.

Nevertheless, one dangerous and terrifying group has faced little scrutiny so far in the War on Terror, and that group unfortunately preys upon children, our most vulnerable citizens—of course, I’m speaking of clowns.

Let’s be clear—clowns are terrifying and children hate them. A recent study indicated that 100 percent of children were afraid of clowns. As a former child, I can attest that clowns are, in fact, terrifying. But that’s only the part of the study that was made public. Privately, that study indicated clowns also hate children and that clowns even hate clowns. Now you’re probably wondering where I’m getting all this inside information, and I’ll tell you, I’m not some armchair observer. I’ve been there—when I was a child, I attended clown college; I was a clown college child soldier.

In one sense, clown college was like any other terrorist organization; it was based upon a cycle of social distrust and self-loathing (this is probably why clowns paint their smiles on). The social network was tight (we all drove in the same, tiny car), and we attempted to strike society’s most vulnerable, at times of expected levity like birthday parties and circuses. When we arrived, children would do anything they could to escape. I remember one time visiting a church carnival and joining in for a game of “The Cake Walk,” in which music plays as you walk on selected tiles; the winner who is left standing on the specified tile when the music stops playing wins a cake. The music stopped playing for a particular game and a small boy was left standing on the winning tile. He was handed his cake, and I walked over, in full clown attire, to congratulate him. He screamed wildly, and in an apparent attempt to distract me and escape, he thrust the uneaten cake into my arms.

It was only then that I recognized the extent of terror that I had just inspired; Mr. President, children do not just give away cake.

Even though that story was terrible, it taught me a valuable lesson—clowns were so scary that they could prevent children from eating fatty foods. That’s why I’m not suggesting we ban clowns. Instead, I’m suggesting we use the terror they elicit to our advantage to prevent childhood obesity. After doing some initial research on this front, I realize that it’s been happening already.

I don’t know which administration forced McDonald’s to choose a clown as its main mascot, but this certainly must have prevented a significant number of cases of childhood obesity. I’d simply like to encourage you to expand upon this existing campaign. In short, I don’t think Ronald McDonald is scary, or prominent, enough. Perhaps if we could get the CDC or the NIH to require all McDonald’s doors to feature giant superimposed images of Ronald McDonald’s face, this would be a start. Of course, we’d need to make him more grotesque. Perhaps we could give him bloody fangs. And those really terrible dark circles under his eyes. And maybe some stubble too.

I’d also suggest updating a few of his friends in McDonaldland. Grimace already has a perfect name, but he looks a little bit too friendly. Maybe we could make him morbidly obese and put him in a wheelbarrow? This might prevent children from eating an extra apple pie. And as much as I love the name of the Hamburglar, what if he stole cute, adorable pets, instead of hamburgers?

Finally, I’d like to suggest updating the National Threat Level; right now, I think things are pretty vague. If there were corresponding stick-figures for each level, perhaps it’d be clearer where we stand. (An example: the “low” ranking would have a smiley face, the “guarded” level could have a stick-figure peering over the fence at his neighbors suspiciously, etc.) This could go all the way up to “Severe” which could feature a stick figure on fire or with bubonic plague or something like that.

In any case, that’s just an idea. Let me know what you think.

Thanks for your attention in these important matters.

Sincerely,

Brett Ortler

Letter to President Obama #7. See the rest at www.knockoutlit.org/brett.html