Letter to President Obama #13 | Subject: Zoos

Letter to President Obama #13 | Subject: Zoos

Dear President Obama,

I’m writing because I was on the web and looking at the website for the Federal Bureau of Prisons, but I couldn’t find any information about zoos.

As I understand it, zoos are jails for animals. As I was hitherto unfamiliar with the notion that the U.S. jails animals, I’ve got a few questions. First, please don’t get me wrong, I’m not some crazy Peter Singer animal-rights activist; I’m not against locking up animals if they deserved it, I just want to know what crimes they committed.

And really, when it comes to some species (giraffes!) I’m fine with imprisoning them without a fair trial. Let me explain that last part—I hate giraffes. (You would too if you were 5’6.) When I was three, I threw my Mickey Mouse doll into the giraffe enclosure and one walked up and started chewing on Mickey right in front of me. Then, it bent its neck over the fence and licked me in the face. Enraged, I tried to kick it in the knee, but I couldn’t reach. I was three. Come to think of it, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to kick a giraffe in the knee.

Anyway, while I was touring the penitentiary, I did notice a few other things. The jailed animal population seemed disproportionate when compared to the variety of species on the planet. I mean, there are an estimated one million, four hundred thousand species in the world. But most zoos (jails) have similar residents—elephants, the big cats, primates—are these animals particularly criminal? I mean, were all of the Big Cats a bank-robbing ring? (I’ll admit it does sound like a gang name.)

In addition, I don’t think zoos are a great deterrent. I mean, I walked by the seal exhibit and the seals were pretty much having a party. Everyone was clapping their hands (flippers) and the zoo staff were throwing them beach balls, and if a seal balanced the beach ball on its nose, it got a treat. And that treat? A fish head! I mean, beach balls, fish heads? I don’t even get those at my apartment, and I pay rent.

And then there is the often-told story about the child who jumped into the polar bear enclosure at my local zoo and got eaten. Clearly, this bear was in the wrong. But why didn’t they add anything to the bear’s sentence? I mean, that’s a crime, right? Or are we now feeding children to bears? Was that child also an inmate and on death row or something? I’m confused.

Oh, and before I forget. Otters also seem to enjoy serving time. I mean, they are always splashing about. But I have nothing against otters going to jail and not passing go. Let me explain: Have you ever had a telemarketer butcher your name? Yeah, I suppose you know what that’s like too, Mr. Obama. Well, my last name’s Ortler, and a telemarketer once called me and asked for "Mr. or Ms. Otter." I told them to hold on and I proceeded to make a bunch of high-pitched squeaky noises while splashing in the sink. After that, I asked the telemarketer if they happened to be selling invertebrates. When they said no, I told them I was disappointed and hung up. That’s why I don’t like otters.

In any case, if you could help me out with answers to these important questions, I’d appreciate it.

Thanks, and take care.

Brett Ortler

This is letter #13 to President Obama. I'm writing (and sending) one a day. Please feel free to comment, and let me know what you think. Thanks for reading.