Letter to President Obama # 27 | Subject: The Great Outdoors

Letter to President Obama # 27 | Subject: The Great Outdoors

Dear President Obama,

I’ve been reading a lot about the economic downturn, and my girlfriend and I have done our best to spur the economy, so we’ve been staying at home and trying to spend our money in the community. To that end, we’ve been spending a lot of times at state parks.

Unfortunately, because of Minnesota’s budget crisis, I’m pretty sure that state park fees will be going up soon. Our governor’s been saying over and over again that we all need to “tighten our belts” a bit more, but it’s pretty tough to tighten your belt when you’ve already sold your pants.

Anyway, so there I was, in the woods, hiking to my campsite, without pants. (Thankfully, they were that kind of pants that turn into shorts and I only sold the parts that zipped off.) Well, we made it to our campsite, set everything up and went fishing.

We caught a whole bunch of fish and I was anticipating a fresh meal, but my girlfriend put the kibosh on that plan when she told me about the mercury levels in the lake. I was shocked. In case you don’t know, the Department of Natural Resources issues consumption guidelines for fish caught in Minnesota waters, as some fish contain an unsafe level of mercury. I tried to let the fish go, but a few died, so there I was, with a couple dead northern pike, but I didn’t want to waste them (as I feel bad enough keeping fish anyway). So I tried to put the mercury in them to use. I tried to use the first fish as a thermometer, but it didn’t work. I knew lightmbulbs have a lot of mercury in them, but I wasn’t about to apply an electrical charge to a toothed fish; plus, even if that would have worked, I didn’t want to see a glowing green-and-white spotted predator. It probably would have looked like some sort of spectral barracuda. No thanks. Finally, I thought of harnessing the high mercury content in the fish and the lake water and considered becoming a hatter.

I ended up just bringing the fish to a garbage can, but I never was able to throw them away. I tried, but there were all these wasps flying around, and every time I approached, they attacked. I’ve always thought that the government had something to do with this, that somebody at the Environmental Protection Agency secretly placed wasps in every garbage can to make the general population associate throwing stuff away with pain. Is this true? If so, please tell the EPA folks that, in my case, it worked. Every time I see a garbage can outside (especially at the fair!), I run away.

When you think about it, it’s really a brilliant idea, and it’s pretty harmless. Unless you’re allergic to bees or wasps. Hmm, maybe we should attach an EPI-pen to each garbage can. Anyway, if we really want to lessen our impact on the Earth, perhaps we could take this idea further and let even scarier animals inhabit our garbage cans. Pit vipers would work, or if we could give get the guys at a DARPA to engineer a tiny reverse-scuba suit, a moray eel could be right at home in our trash bins.

In any case, please let me know what you think, and thanks.


Brett Ortler