Letter to the President #26 | Subject: Military Tribunals

Letter to the President #26 | Subject: Military Tribunals

Letter to the President #26 | Subject: Military Tribunals

Dear President Obama,

Like many Americans, I’ve been reading a lot about the prison at Guantanamo Bay and about all of the controversy about what to do with the prisoners there once Gitmo is closed. I’ve read that you’re suggesting we create a variety of military tribunals to try these prisoners.

Personally, I don’t get why we just don’t just try them in civilian courts. I mean, we tried all sorts of scary people in criminal courts, and that process worked out pretty well. I mean, we even tried Jeffrey Dahmer in a criminal court, and that guy ate people. (I have a question about the Dahmer case; I read that he got killed with a mop handle in prison. This surprised me; I didn’t know that mops were a capital punishment option. That seems a little old fashioned, if I may say so.)

Anyway, if you’re determined to try these people in military courts, then I have a few suggestions. First of all, I think Judge Judy would be a great selection as Chief Justice of the Military Tribunals. Of course, we’d probably have to give her a military title so she’d fit in, so maybe we should make her a field marshal or something like that. Then again, I’m pretty sure that if we did, it’d go to her head. She’s kind of crazy like that. I could see her reaching over the bench and throwing a gavel at a disrespectful defendant as she yelled don’t you know that I’m a field marshal!? So maybe that’s not a great idea after all.

Of course, if we choose Judge Judy, the trials will have to be broadcast live on television, as otherwise Judge Judy would be out of her element. I’d suggest that we air these on the regular channels, not cable, so everyone could watch them. (Pay-per-view would be the wrong choice; these are military tribunals, not boxing matches or adult entertainment, Mr. President.)

Of course, if we choose Judge Judy for the tribunals, we’ll have to choose an appropriate bailiff. Have you ever noticed that the bailiffs on the judge-type TV shows are always really diverse? On Judge Mathis’s show, the judge is black and the bailiff is white. Then there’s the People’s Court where the judge is white and the bailiff is black. And one of the other judge shows has a male judge and a female bailiff. I think this was a nice gesture, so we should continue it at our Military Tribunals. Of course, we’d still have to choose carefully, as the bailiffs really help out the show, as the witty banter between the judge and the bailiff really lightens the mood. Of course, our bailiff would have to be tough, so I’d suggest someone from the Special Forces. Hey—do any of our Navy Seals do stand-up? If so, I think we’ve found our bailiff.

Finally, since your critics will probably say these tribunals will be kangaroo courts, perhaps you could preempt them and include a kangaroo (or at least a wallaby) in some nonessential court position. Perhaps the kangaroo could be a backup transcriptionist. Or maybe a koala could be the bailiff’s assistant. (It’d look so cute in one of those rent-a-cop uniforms!) In any event, some Australian animal should be included, as it’ll give the court an air of international inclusiveness. As I understand it, judges in the United Kingdom wear wigs to court; to augment the afore-mentioned inclusiveness, perhaps everyone present could wear wigs.

Please let me know what you think about these suggestions, and thanks.

Brett




Expand Tags: obama, series, hu