Letter to Obama #20 | Subject: Smokey the Bear

Letter to Obama #20 | Subject: Smokey the Bear

Dear President Obama,

Last weekend, I was on the Internet, trying to figure out which state park to visit, and a giant advertisement appeared on one of the websites I visited. The ad featured Smokey The Bear and his trademark line, Only You Can Prevent Forest Fires.

Now, I know this whole Smokey the Bear campaign has been pretty popular, but I have to be honest with you, Mr. President, I just don’t think Smokey the Bear is the right messenger. And I don’t think his famous slogan is right either.

First of all, the slogan’s basically an anxiety attack waiting to happen. Only you can prevent forest fires. I’m sorry, but isn’t that a lot of pressure for one person? What’s more, the message doesn’t seem entirely accurate. I mean, I know that I can do my part to prevent forest fires, but there are all sorts of other people who could help. Like firefighters. Or those tanker plane pilots, you know, in the planes that swoop down and drop lake water (and the occasional scuba diver) onto fires.

Even the scuba diver guy could help, if he were conscious after the fall; I mean, he’d at least have oxygen. A snorkeler would probably be no use.

So I’d like to suggest that we change the slogan. I mean, I’ve got some problems with using a bear as a mascot (I’ll get to that in a minute), but assuming we’re sticking with Smokey, let’s take advantage of the fact that bears occasionally eat humans. In this respect, a slogan like I’ll Eat You If You Start A Fire would let us create something of a deterrence factor. To add to this, we could spread a little misinformation and tell the public that bears are now attracted to campfires, especially large, unwatched fires kept burning on hot, dry days, when the fire risk is particularly high. Could we also start a rumor that amateurs who bring guitars to campfires will also be eaten? If so, great.

As for my problems with Smokey himself, I really don’t know if I can take wilderness ethics advice from a bear in a hat. I mean, why is a bear telling me all this, anyway? To be nice? Bears aren’t nice, Mr. President. They are my main competitors for raspberries and honey.

And bears don’t live in trees; they can run pretty quickly, so they might escape a forest fire, if they were lucky. But when a forest burns down, a whole lot of squirrels and woodpeckers need to find apartments. Frankly, I’d prefer my animal mascot to be a bit more invested in the message. To get the maximum effect, I’d like to go for as much sympathy as possible, so I’d like to suggest an odd mascot: Timmy the Tree Slug. Before you shoot me down on this, hear me out. As you might be aware, tree slugs are not fast, and they’re not cute. But we could use these traits to our advantage. If we coupled an image of a terribly depressed tree slug (with its antennae akimbo) and the tagline: Please don’t start a fire. I’m a tree slug. I have it bad enough as it is.

Let me know what you think about this, and thanks.

Brett Ortler