Letter to President Obama # 17 | Subject: The Witness Protection Program and Major League Baseball

Letter to President Obama # 17 | Subject: The Witness Protection Program

Dear President Obama,

I’m writing because I think the witness protection program would make a great reality television show. Before you write me off as some yahoo, let me explain.

First of all, Mr. President, the production costs would be really low, as we wouldn’t need writers. The show would already have written itself! All we’d have to do is read from the case file! And even if there were a writers’ strike; we’d totally have access to strikebreakers!

As for how the show might work, we could start out by introducing the main character and his family, maybe at their Witness Protection Program orientation. (Speaking of, what are those orientations like? Are there nametags, or would that be beside the point? Or is it like the Usual Suspects and everyone has a code name?)

Anyway, the camera would follow the family around as they were getting adjusted to their new lives—we could show Mr. ex-Dillinger delivering a message to the school board for his wife, going to visit the family at Thanksgiving, and so on. But every once in a while we’d juxtapose that with re-enactments of events from his old life—Mr. ex-Dillinger delivering a “message” with a baseball bat behind a restaurant, going to visit “the family” at a rural farmhouse. We could make these as realistic as possible, like the reenactments on America’s Most Wanted and Rescue 911! And if ratings dropped, we could always tip off some of the contestant’s old enemies and drama would naturally ensue. If we were lucky, we might even get a gunfight!

I also have a question about the Witness Protection Program. If you’re accepted into it, what happens if you have debts? I don’t mean gambling debts to a guy named Tony either—what I mean is, does the Witness Protection Program help avoid paying back student loans? If so, great! I’d like to become a member of the program immediately.

Now before you think I’m just trying to game the system, you should know that I do have valuable information about the mafia, and it’s pretty disheartening: Major League Baseball, like everything else, has been infiltrated by the mob. If you don’t believe me, you should look into the starting shortstop for the Cleveland Indians, Jhonny Peralta.

It should be pretty obvious he’s a mobster. (With a name like Jhonny Peralta you know a baseball bat has to be involved in his career plan somehow.) As for the specifics of how he and others are involved, I can’t fill you in now, there’s no time. I’ll explain once I get to the safe house and my student loans (they are direct loans, you already have my last name) are voided.

Thanks and take care,


Brett Ortler



This is letter #17 to President Obama. I'm sending one a day. Thanks for reading.

An Open Letter To President Obama About the Minnesota Twins (Letter #1)

Dear President Obama,

I'm writing you with a pressing policy concern—I'd like to question your policy of supporting the Chicago White Sox to the detriment of the Minnesota Twins.
I think such support is inconsistent with your economic policies. Now don’t get me wrong, I agree wholeheartedly with your handling of the financial crisis; it’s just that in the economic hubbub of the last few months, you’ve made it clear that we should be focusing on “Main Street,” not “Wall Street.”

The Minnesota Twins are Main Street all the way. For instance, we don’t play in some flashy rich stadium; we play in a stadium that looks like a marshmallow. The jumbotron at U.S. Cellular Field has a beer ad right next to it; the jumbotron at the Metrodome? It features an advertisement for sausage.

And the Twins are a small business, if you can call a team with a $65 million dollar payroll run by a billionaire family a “small business.” (And if that’s not Main Street enough for you, check the address of this letter; I actually live on Main Street.) The White Sox? They have a payroll of $95 million—that’s big business; in fact, some of that White Sox money probably goes towards lobbying.

More than that, some of the Minnesota Twins players are actually ‘little guys’; look at Nick Punto, He’s 5’9! We don’t have any of those Matt Thornton White Sox types on our team. Thornton’s 6’6; did you know that according to some sources, Goliath was 6’6? Coincidence? No!

Finally, the Minnesota Twins are more presentable and affable. I’m speaking particularly of Anthony John Pierzynski, who spent a good portion of last season looking like he had selected a peroxide-wielding primate as his hairdresser. (By the way, what is the White House position on peroxide?) And lest I open myself to criticism, yes, A.J. is an ex-Twin, but everyone makes mistakes. I think you’ll agree that Joe Mauer was an upgrade.

For these reasons, I’d like you to encourage you to support the Minnesota Twins, an American League Central Division team that is more in-line with your administration's economic goals and policies.

Sincerely,
Brett Ortler