An Open Letter To President Obama About the Minnesota Twins (Letter #1)
Dear President Obama,
I'm writing you with a pressing policy concern—I'd like to question your policy of supporting the Chicago White Sox to the detriment of the Minnesota Twins.
I think such support is inconsistent with your economic policies. Now don’t get me wrong, I agree wholeheartedly with your handling of the financial crisis; it’s just that in the economic hubbub of the last few months, you’ve made it clear that we should be focusing on “Main Street,” not “Wall Street.”
The Minnesota Twins are Main Street all the way. For instance, we don’t play in some flashy rich stadium; we play in a stadium that looks like a marshmallow. The jumbotron at U.S. Cellular Field has a beer ad right next to it; the jumbotron at the Metrodome? It features an advertisement for sausage.
And the Twins are a small business, if you can call a team with a $65 million dollar payroll run by a billionaire family a “small business.” (And if that’s not Main Street enough for you, check the address of this letter; I actually live on Main Street.) The White Sox? They have a payroll of $95 million—that’s big business; in fact, some of that White Sox money probably goes towards lobbying.
More than that, some of the Minnesota Twins players are actually ‘little guys’; look at Nick Punto, He’s 5’9! We don’t have any of those Matt Thornton White Sox types on our team. Thornton’s 6’6; did you know that according to some sources, Goliath was 6’6? Coincidence? No!
Finally, the Minnesota Twins are more presentable and affable. I’m speaking particularly of Anthony John Pierzynski, who spent a good portion of last season looking like he had selected a peroxide-wielding primate as his hairdresser. (By the way, what is the White House position on peroxide?) And lest I open myself to criticism, yes, A.J. is an ex-Twin, but everyone makes mistakes. I think you’ll agree that Joe Mauer was an upgrade.
For these reasons, I’d like you to encourage you to support the Minnesota Twins, an American League Central Division team that is more in-line with your administration's economic goals and policies.
Sincerely,
Brett Ortler
I'm writing you with a pressing policy concern—I'd like to question your policy of supporting the Chicago White Sox to the detriment of the Minnesota Twins.
I think such support is inconsistent with your economic policies. Now don’t get me wrong, I agree wholeheartedly with your handling of the financial crisis; it’s just that in the economic hubbub of the last few months, you’ve made it clear that we should be focusing on “Main Street,” not “Wall Street.”
The Minnesota Twins are Main Street all the way. For instance, we don’t play in some flashy rich stadium; we play in a stadium that looks like a marshmallow. The jumbotron at U.S. Cellular Field has a beer ad right next to it; the jumbotron at the Metrodome? It features an advertisement for sausage.
And the Twins are a small business, if you can call a team with a $65 million dollar payroll run by a billionaire family a “small business.” (And if that’s not Main Street enough for you, check the address of this letter; I actually live on Main Street.) The White Sox? They have a payroll of $95 million—that’s big business; in fact, some of that White Sox money probably goes towards lobbying.
More than that, some of the Minnesota Twins players are actually ‘little guys’; look at Nick Punto, He’s 5’9! We don’t have any of those Matt Thornton White Sox types on our team. Thornton’s 6’6; did you know that according to some sources, Goliath was 6’6? Coincidence? No!
Finally, the Minnesota Twins are more presentable and affable. I’m speaking particularly of Anthony John Pierzynski, who spent a good portion of last season looking like he had selected a peroxide-wielding primate as his hairdresser. (By the way, what is the White House position on peroxide?) And lest I open myself to criticism, yes, A.J. is an ex-Twin, but everyone makes mistakes. I think you’ll agree that Joe Mauer was an upgrade.
For these reasons, I’d like you to encourage you to support the Minnesota Twins, an American League Central Division team that is more in-line with your administration's economic goals and policies.
Sincerely,
Brett Ortler
Labels: #1, baseball, letters to the president, minnesota twins, obama
posted by brett at
3:34 PM
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