Letter to President Obama #2 | Subject: Please Be Less Beautiful/Talented
Dear President Obama,
As you may remember, I wrote you a letter congratulating you on your election victory a week or so after your inauguration. As you didn’t respond, I came to the conclusion that you must have misplaced my original letter (and the one I sent you earlier this month).
My assumption is that it got mixed in with former-President Bush’s things when he was moving out of the White House. If so, I hope he doesn’t respond. That’d be a little awkward. (Then again, maybe he could get the Texas Rangers slugger Josh Hamilton to sign a baseball for me.)
In any case, I’ve decided to write you again. While my original letter was entirely laudatory, it’s been a few months and I’ve now got a gripe to let you know about. As you probably recall in my original epistle, I complimented you on “your historic victory and your beautiful family.”
As it turns out, your family’s a little too beautiful. What I mean is, after seeing your beautiful family on television, in magazines, and on the front pages of the papers, it has some of us feeling a little frumpy. For instance, my girlfriend and I were in the grocery checkout aisle. Your wife, Michelle, was featured on a magazine cover, and my girlfriend commented on how well-toned and sculpted Michelle’s arms were. We both then looked down at the conveyor belt and the entirety of our grocery purchases for the day: Reese’s peanut butter cup ice cream, chocolate syrup, and hot fudge. Then, my girlfriend and I looked at each other, and at our (rather jiggly) arms. We frowned, picked up our items and got out of line. Long story short, we ended up eating sorbet instead. It tasted fine, but I don’t like eating things I can’t pronounce and I blame you, Mr. President, for this variety of grocery self-censorship.
It’s not just that your family’s photogenic. Your family is so accomplished. I mean, when former President Bush made his infamous “our children is learning” slip, I felt like a genius, like a regular Ken Jennings; I’d never have made that mistake. (For
once, I feel myself waxing nostalgic about the Bush administration.)
And you speak so well. Now, you should know something: I sometimes have trouble speaking. I speak quickly, and I often joke that I come from a long line of auctioneers. When I turn on the TV and hear you speak with that sure cadence of yours, I feel instantly dispirited. I mean, how do I compete with that? It just doesn’t seem fair.
Now please don’t think of me as just a critic. I mean, I’ve got constructive suggestions to offer. First, to make the rest of us feel better—please, stammer once in a while. (Sometimes, when I catch myself stammering, I’ll just keep doing it for ten or twenty seconds, and I’ll make up my own alien-like stammer-language. It’s fun; you should try it!) This will make the rest of us feel better about ourselves.
Secondly, it’d be great if you and/or your family could be photographed in a less-than-flattering outfit. Some options—buy an ugly sweater! Even better, get one of those Christmas sweaters and wear it to some non-essential function. No one looks good in one of those. (You could also multi-task; maybe wear it if you’re giving a speech at some AARP function? You’ll fit right in!) Or, write an executive order that requires you and the Cabinet to wear Hawaiian shirts for a day. The Hawaiian shirt is just like the Christmas sweater, no one looks good in one. (Additional hint: Don’t tell the Press Corp in advance; it’ll baffle them!)
Finally, think about making a really goofy face next time you’re in front of the cameras. You know, like Einstein did in that one photo? Sure, Einstein was better at physics than anybody else, but that photo made him so much more down to Earth, and everyone felt better about themselves when they saw that picture! (There’s also a presidential precedent here; President Bush did this for eight years!)
In conclusion, I’m confident these steps would help our national self-esteem. Please take them into consideration.
Sincerely,
Brett Ortler
This is letter #2 to Mr. Obama. I'll be sending a letter a day. Check out www.knockoutlit.org/brett.html for more.
As you may remember, I wrote you a letter congratulating you on your election victory a week or so after your inauguration. As you didn’t respond, I came to the conclusion that you must have misplaced my original letter (and the one I sent you earlier this month).
My assumption is that it got mixed in with former-President Bush’s things when he was moving out of the White House. If so, I hope he doesn’t respond. That’d be a little awkward. (Then again, maybe he could get the Texas Rangers slugger Josh Hamilton to sign a baseball for me.)
In any case, I’ve decided to write you again. While my original letter was entirely laudatory, it’s been a few months and I’ve now got a gripe to let you know about. As you probably recall in my original epistle, I complimented you on “your historic victory and your beautiful family.”
As it turns out, your family’s a little too beautiful. What I mean is, after seeing your beautiful family on television, in magazines, and on the front pages of the papers, it has some of us feeling a little frumpy. For instance, my girlfriend and I were in the grocery checkout aisle. Your wife, Michelle, was featured on a magazine cover, and my girlfriend commented on how well-toned and sculpted Michelle’s arms were. We both then looked down at the conveyor belt and the entirety of our grocery purchases for the day: Reese’s peanut butter cup ice cream, chocolate syrup, and hot fudge. Then, my girlfriend and I looked at each other, and at our (rather jiggly) arms. We frowned, picked up our items and got out of line. Long story short, we ended up eating sorbet instead. It tasted fine, but I don’t like eating things I can’t pronounce and I blame you, Mr. President, for this variety of grocery self-censorship.
It’s not just that your family’s photogenic. Your family is so accomplished. I mean, when former President Bush made his infamous “our children is learning” slip, I felt like a genius, like a regular Ken Jennings; I’d never have made that mistake. (For
once, I feel myself waxing nostalgic about the Bush administration.)
And you speak so well. Now, you should know something: I sometimes have trouble speaking. I speak quickly, and I often joke that I come from a long line of auctioneers. When I turn on the TV and hear you speak with that sure cadence of yours, I feel instantly dispirited. I mean, how do I compete with that? It just doesn’t seem fair.
Now please don’t think of me as just a critic. I mean, I’ve got constructive suggestions to offer. First, to make the rest of us feel better—please, stammer once in a while. (Sometimes, when I catch myself stammering, I’ll just keep doing it for ten or twenty seconds, and I’ll make up my own alien-like stammer-language. It’s fun; you should try it!) This will make the rest of us feel better about ourselves.
Secondly, it’d be great if you and/or your family could be photographed in a less-than-flattering outfit. Some options—buy an ugly sweater! Even better, get one of those Christmas sweaters and wear it to some non-essential function. No one looks good in one of those. (You could also multi-task; maybe wear it if you’re giving a speech at some AARP function? You’ll fit right in!) Or, write an executive order that requires you and the Cabinet to wear Hawaiian shirts for a day. The Hawaiian shirt is just like the Christmas sweater, no one looks good in one. (Additional hint: Don’t tell the Press Corp in advance; it’ll baffle them!)
Finally, think about making a really goofy face next time you’re in front of the cameras. You know, like Einstein did in that one photo? Sure, Einstein was better at physics than anybody else, but that photo made him so much more down to Earth, and everyone felt better about themselves when they saw that picture! (There’s also a presidential precedent here; President Bush did this for eight years!)
In conclusion, I’m confident these steps would help our national self-esteem. Please take them into consideration.
Sincerely,
Brett Ortler
This is letter #2 to Mr. Obama. I'll be sending a letter a day. Check out www.knockoutlit.org/brett.html for more.
Labels: be less talented, fun, humor, letters to the president, obama, writing
posted by brett at
3:33 PM
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